


Am I a tool?

by Beakaboochu



Series: Life drabbles [1]
Category: Rise of the Guardians (2012)
Genre: M/M, Sensitive subject for the Author, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, possible triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-08
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-03 10:27:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,518
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4097509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beakaboochu/pseuds/Beakaboochu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Frost is tiered. No one seems to want him. Those type of things can cut far too deep.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Am I a Tool?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys... Ummm I am really sorry for disappearing... Work decided that now that I graduated it wants to work me to the grind stone. And then my depression hit... like bad... So I thought maybe if I do this it'll help... to be honest... These were my thoughts... I mean it never got as bad but well plastic knives still work. I really am sorry for this depressing thing but I think it'll help and remind me that I am human.

Am I a tool?

 

It sure seems like it.

 

Mother nature only uses me for winter things.

 

She never talks to me. Never tries to befriend me. Never tried to explain anything to me. Just uses me.

 

Am I a tool?

 

No matter who I talk to all they do is find things for me to do. Ways I can be useful. None of them play with me, no one laughs with me.

 

Am I just useful and that’s it?

 

I made a mistake and created snow on the wrong day. I get yelled at for being human… unless…

 

Am I not human?

 

I shake those thoughts off for so long.

 

I am human!

 

I am!

 

…….Right?

 

Then Pitch attacks.

 

The Guardians need me.

 

I am useful again. Maybe it’ll be different this time. Maybe this time I’ll be a friend and not just something to use until it messes up again.

 

But I messed up.

 

Pitch tricked me, Easter was ruined.

 

I ceased to be useful and they threw me away.

 

But I was able to figure out how to work right!

I went back and helped to save everyone!

 

I made friends, I got believers!

 

But then…. The Guardians ignore me again.

 

I am nothing.

 

The believers use me as a type of air conditioning when too hot. Or as something to use to show off to other kids. They use me as something that can make them fly without man made machines. They use me to cool them down when they have fevers.

 

They use me.

 

Am I a tool?

 

I am standing in a field of poppies, so red and pretty.

 

I look up to the moon and realize that maybe I am.

 

But.

 

Humans bleed. Tools don’t.

 

I make an icicle with a rough edge just like some odd serrated knife. I swipe it quickly across my skin.

 

I don’t bleed.

 

(In the back of my mind something is yelling the reddening of my wrist proves there is blood welling up underneath.   The other part of me tells it to shut up and keeps up the chant.)

 

I kept slashing at my wrists, with the chant “Humans bleed, tools don’t” encouraging me to keep going.

 

Finally I get desperate.

 

I press the weapon into my wrist with all my strength until I could _Feel_ it break through the skin.

 

I change direction to make sure something happens this time and slash from my wrist to the inside of my elbow.

 

I smile in relief as I watch the blood gush from my arm and turn the poppies a dark dark red.

 

I bled.

 

I can’t be a tool right?

 

I hear a voice in the distance yelling to me. Than furry arms are around me catching me before I hit the ground.

 

The next time I awoke I am in a white room with bandages over my arm and a furry figure holding me tight telling me they cared.

 

Someone cared for a tool.

 

But I’m not a tool.

 

I bled.

 

And this being who hated me so much in the past said they cared.

 

That I was their friend.

 

That I could be their best friend if I let them try.

 

I think…

 

I think I would like that.

 

Maybe I am not a tool.

 

Maybe I can be a person.

 

Maybe a friend.

  
Maybe family.

 

Or maybe....

 

Well.

 

Maybe.


	2. I am a Fool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright. That first one helped so I am going to keep doing this. This is a kind of therapy for me, all the things I put Jack through or what he will do has happened to me. A lot of times things are illogical when I take a step back to see what things really are but to be honest? I don't know whats wrong but I can not take a proper step back. This is me taking that step. Hopefully I'll get better. If you want to respond be my guest. If you want to treat this as someones active imagination go ahead. But this is my life mixed with fantasy. Please don't judge me for it.

I am a fool.

 

I wake up in the middle of a field.

 

It’s the same poppy field from the first time.

 

Some how I ended up back here.

 

I am a fool.

 

It’s been 3 years since the last time I felt in this mood.

 

I am a fool.

 

It’s been 3 years since the Guardians began acting like my friends.

 

They treated me like a person. They told me I was not a tool.

 

Bunny became my closest friend. I could tell him anything and everything.

 

The believers jokingly called him my husbando. From what I understood it was like a soulmate but only on a friend level.

 

It was confusing but I accepted the term. It was the closest to what felt like the truth.

 

I am a fool.

 

Bunny became everything to me. I grew so attached.

 

Anytime he needed help I was there. When he got depressed about the loss of all his people, I was always right there to keep him company. To be a shoulder to cry on when the nightmares are at their worst.

 

No matter what, I was always there. Even if I was busy, I would drop everything to help him with whatever he needed.

 

But.

 

But when I had nightmares, and tried to call on him he would blow me off.

 

When I cried because of the family I lost to the years, he brushed me off saying he was too busy.

 

When I needed him he was never there for me.

 

The one person I trust more than anyone else in the world didn’t want me.

 

He just used me.

 

If the person I trust the most uses me doesn’t that mean everyone does?

 

I am a Fool.

 

I was alone again.

 

My own best friend left me, betrayed me.

 

These were supposed to be my friends, the people I could trust and rely on.

 

The people I helped when they needed it and yet when I needed it they pushed me away.

 

I sit on the ground in that field of flowers.

 

I am a fool.

 

No matter what I do no one wants me.

 

No one cares.

 

I am a human tool.

 

And I am a fool for thinking otherwise.

 

I curl up, bringing my knees up and burying my face in them.

 

Why do I want to be here if no one really wants me?

 

What’s the point?

 

_The point is, is that **I** want you here. Without you I wouldn’t exist._

 

My head shoots up to see the small Bunny version of Aster sitting in front of me, cleaning his face in a casual way.

 

He looked up to me, smiled and said, _I care about you._

 

I shake my head and he disappears for a moment, then he reappears.

 

_You can’t get rid of me Mate. Your mind snapped, and in order to save you it made you a friend you can actually trust. Me. And yes only you can see and hear me. Only you can feel my touches._

The little Bunny hopped forward and placed a paw on my leg, and I FELT it!

 

I **know** I felt the little Bunny touch me.

 

I hesitate for a moment, and for some reason I accept it.

 

I never questioned the fact that I went crazy.  

 

I never stopped to wonder.

 

I just accepted.

 

And felt whole again when I did so.

 

Embracing this new bit of myself I quietly ask, “If your only for me, can I name you?”

 

The little Bunny grinned the same cocky smile as his real counterpart and nodded.

 

I thought for a moment, then smiled slightly, “I know this sounds bad but how about Dream Bunny?”

 

The little Bunny tilted his head, his ears twitching then he nodded.

 

_Dream Bunny, I like it_

 

I smiled and stood up, brushing off debris.

 

“Well if I’m going to go crazy it’s best to have a friend. Can you fly?”

 

Dream Bunny grinned at him, _Only if you think I can._

 

The two rose into the air and took off to find some fun.

  
I am not alone.


	3. I am not alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this went a different way then I thought it would go. I suppose this may go in an odd way. Hopes for what I wish for... Welp I said therapy, I guess putting hopes out there counts!
> 
> Have fun with the weird ride guys.

I am not alone.

 

Dream Bunny stayed with me.

 

He stayed with me through everything.

 

It didn’t matter if I yelled at him.

 

It didn’t matter if I told him to disappear. He was always there, giving an unimpressed look, waiting for me to go back to being me again.

 

He helped me laugh again.

 

It took a while but even when I accepted that he was not real to anyone else, he was real to me.

 

More real than an imaginary friend, more than some psychotic break.

 

He was a piece of my soul made real only to me.

 

The only one in the universe that would not leave me.

 

The only one that I could truly trust.

 

I am not alone.

 

I was able to fly all over the world, truly laughing for the first time in a very long time.

 

My belief base grew ten fold as I found my Joy again.

 

Dream Bunny stayed with me.

 

I only ever saw the Guardians when they put out a call to fight the nasties of the world.

 

But I never really talked to them.

 

And they never tried to talk to me.

 

Bunny…

 

Bunny would let me know what was going on but that was it.

 

 _Dream Bunny_ was always the one to watch my back.

 

He would let me know when there was any type of attack coming so I could counter it.

 

Everything was finally looking up.

 

The note came in the form of a piece of parchment next to my lake.

 

“Jack,

 

What have I done to you?

 

Why are you avoiding me?

 

We’re friends.

 

You’re my best mate.

 

What have I done?

 

Please?

 

Bunny”

 

I stared down at the note, my hands shaking.

 

He thinks its my fault?

 

He thinks I wanted to lose the _only friend I ever really had_??

 

I am about to throw the paper away when Dream Bunny comes up and stops me.

 

“Listen mate, he may be oblivious to what he did, and he may not have the best word choice but he is still your friend. You may not have noticed but every time you guys get together you blow everyone off. Literally. Wind really blows them back from you. You always curl in on yourself as if they are hurting you by coming near you.  He always gets this real sad look. And really, he looks like a kicked puppy.

 

You have to give him another try, mate. He really does want to be friends. He’s just a grump. You know him better than anyone, you _know_ that more than anyone.”

 

I looked down to the parchment clutched in my hand and sighed quietly, unclenching my fists then folding the paper into a neat square.

 

Dream Bunny floats up and pets my hair.

 

“It doesn’t have to be now mate, you know that. You’re still learning how to talk to me without anyone hearing you. If he found out you have me things may not go over well.

 

Just remember, no matter what happens you are not alone.”

 

I nod, leaning into the touch-not-touch.

 

“Ok, ok…”

 

I sigh again, before lifting into the air while tucking Bunny’s note away.

 

I give Dream Bunny a grin, dispelling the tense atmosphere, “But first, there’s some kids in Russia that I know want to have some fun.”

 

Dream Bunny grinned back and shot off throwing “I’ll race you!” over his shoulder.

 

I give a whoop while I chase after my only trust worthy friend.

 

For now.

  
I am not alone.


	4. I Found a Piece of Happiness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. My muse came back along with my happy voice and then ran away with this story without consulting any of the other people in my head. :P Have the fluffiest thing I have felt since all the shit hit. This chapter is more my Hope then what is happening to be honest but darn it, it's what I wish for so I shall throw it out there. It's worked to help me settle so far :)
> 
> Thank you so much for all of your support, seriously guys, you were a rock for me, thank you.

After a while I did start to notice things.

 

After Dream Bunny pointed out that Bunny was acting odd I finally noticed.

 

It was as if I was coming out of a fog, at first things were still unclear, like I had to struggle to do things that I remember came naturally.

 

But now I keep having to remind myself that the Guardians are my friends, and that I do want to talk to them and spend time with them.

 

The next time a mission came up, I found that it still took so much effort to communicate with everyone. But when I did they all seemed surprised and so happy.

 

Bunny most of all.

 

I really started to see that the more I talked to Bunny, the more Dream Bunny pointed out the happy expressions he made we actually connected to me talking to him.

 

After figuring that out I just wanted to keep giving Bunny that little bit of happiness.

 

Dream Bunny would help all the time.

 

Most of the time I would feel like I didn’t want human or any company really. But Dream Bunny would bug me until I went to the Warren.

 

When I was in Bunny’s home Dream Bunny would reassure me that as long as I kept Bunny company he would be happy.

 

I wouldn’t have to act happy to make him happy like I felt I had to do with everyone else.

 

As long as I was close by I could murmur to Dream Bunny and only chat with him while Bunny painted.

 

And Bunny would be happy.

 

He only asked me once who I was talking to, and when I said I was talking to myself he just simply hummed, ruffled my hair and went back to painting.

 

I was so worried that Bunny would find out about his Dream Bunny self but Dream Bunny would always set my fears to rest that everything was ok.

 

That in fact maybe I could give Bunny a flower.

 

I knew deep down what door I was opening but it was like the me that made up Jack was splintered into several different parts. The me that was sort of unaware just wanted to see him happy.

 

But deep down I knew what I started.

 

I knew.

 

But I wanted that happiness.

 

I wanted that little bit of happiness.

 

So I gave him a Red Tulip.

 

Dream Bunny encouraged me to begin circling him as well.

 

The me that was still in the fog didn’t quite understand what was going on.

 

But.

 

The me that wanted happiness.

 

The me that was Joy.

 

He knew.

 

And he was becoming more and more of who I was on the outside.

 

I gave Bunny many Tulips giving my declaration of love, and circled him.

 

Until one day Dream Bunny jumped for Joy and told me to look up.

 

When I did I saw the realization on Bunny’s face.

 

He got it.

 

The me that was Joy became me.

 

The fog me was pushed back.

 

I did not feel the choking despair in that moment.

 

All I felt was Hope and Joy becoming me.

And in my ice I made another flower.

 

In my ice I made another tulip.

 

And I dipped it in a certain color.

 

To Bunny, to _Aster_ , I gave a yellow tulip.

 

To tell him I was hopelessly in love with him.

 

To hopefully tell him he was my happiness.

 

I made another flower to really prove my point that he was my Hope.

 

I gave him a Snowdrop that says just that.

 

His eyes shined bright, and he laid his hand on the ground.

 

Flowers sprouted up.

 

Forget-me-not’s mixed with a double Aster.

 

True Love and Shared sentiments.

 

Then one last flower bloomed in front of those.

 

A pale pink rose.

 

Joy.

 

I was his Joy as he was my Hope.

 

Dream Bunny smiled and nudged me in his not touching way to curl up with Aster.

 

I cautiously did so, so afraid of rejection even though Dream Bunny scoffed and shook his head dispelling that fog of despair once again.

 

I sighed happily as Aster wrapped his arm around me, and nuzzled the top of my head.

 

I found a little bit of happiness at last.

 

But that little fog in the back of my mind asked, _“When will it be ripped out? We always lose happiness. So when will this be ripped from us?”_

 

I ignored him in favor of the happiness I had now.

 

But I knew something would happen.

 

I knew.

 

But being here, in Aster’s arms as he gently tells me how much he loves me, and how happy he is that I am me again I just want to be happy and ignore the nagging voice.

 

Here I will be happy.

 

I will be happy.

  
I _have_ to be happy.

 

 


	5. I am...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so this may be stupid to do. I am really not honestly sure if I should do this. But, you guys have been through this crazy journey with me since the beginning of the huge depression period, so I feel I owe you the end result.
> 
> I went to a therapist and she says I have what Jack has, if you want to look it up go on ahead, but it is exactly as how I wrote Jack.
> 
> The only difference between Jack's story and mine is that I still haven't found that person that can hold me together. 
> 
> That is my biggest wish to find.
> 
> So.
> 
> Next chapter is it guys. Thank you so much for staying with me and encouraging me through this ordeal. You guys were part of my life changing experience and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for sticking through this with me.
> 
> As odd as it sounds I love you guys sooooo much!!! You are my super glue and duct tape :)
> 
> Thank You.

“You have to tell him! These types of relationships are built on mutual trust! He told you all about his species, his culture, his **_Family_** and how they died. You are the only one he told about his family. Why don’t you show him that same kind of trust!”

I glare at Dream Bunny from where I am perched on a branch at the top of an ancient red oak tree. He is one branch below mine with arms crossed and glaring up at me.

“I told him about my own family and how I died, I think I have showed my trust to him!” I snap back at him, trying to stand my ground against the truth.

Dream Bunny thumped his back foot against the bark of the tree.

“You know that’s not enough!”

DB hissed, his glare intensifying to Aster level, “He told you his deepest secret, what the ‘E’ stands for in his name! He _told_ you the no one alive knows that, not even Sandy!”

My little invisible companion's gaze softened, his stance relaxing.

“He trusts you Jack and he loves you, Aster will accept you no matter what. Even if you did go crazy enough to become disassociated.”

I sighed thinking back to the conversation with Pippa.

It had been 20 years since the Pitch incident, 16 years since Dream Bunny appeared, 14 years since Aster and I had gotten together.

And in those years little Pippa had grown up to become a psychiatrist, best known for her work with kids.

.

I had gone to her when I had gotten even more people that only I could see. I even ended up making these “worlds” that were based off stories I heard about, making friends with the characters, knowing them better then most of my real friends, even… trusting them more than anyone else.

She listened to me without laughing.

She treated me like a friend, and someone in need.

She gave me an answer of what happened and what it was called.              

All the years of being left alone helped create the cracks in my sanity but it never cracked because I never really knew any other life.

Then all of a sudden I had people I could call friends and family, but then they all abandon me.

That kind of trauma can cause anyone to snap in many different ways.

She told me the way I snapped caused something called Disassociated Identity Disorder.

Which means that all the imaginary characters, all of my invisible companions were all simply pieces of me, shattered and given life so that I could understand better.

So that I could still live.

But the fact that it has a name.

The fact that what happened to me happened to so many other horrible people that butcher and kill innocent people because those innocents don’t fit right in their world terrifies me.

The fact that I have a disorder that is linked to so many of the monsters that we try to keep the children safe from scares me more then anything Pitch could conjure up.

If I told Aster I had this.

If he knew I could become a monster at any point if the wrong trigger was pulled.

He would hate me.

He would never look at me.

Never touch me.

Never kiss me so gently, and with so much love that it would leave me breathless and wanting more.

He would never hold me in a warm, protective embrace again.

I couldn’t lose that!

But.

But….

I sighed, looking down at Dream Bunny who had a look of sympathy because he knew what I decided.

If Aster could trust me with his biggest secret, the one thing he was most afraid of anyone finding out, then I could trust him with this.

And if he pushes me away.

If he calls me a freak.

A monster.

A demon.

Well.

I know a very good volcano.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, before nodding once.

When I open them again Dream Bunny is hovering, pointing towards Australia.

He nods once in encouragement.

Before I lose my nerve I yell for wind to take me to the land of kangaroos as fast as she could.

* * *

 

It takes an hour to find my Pooka, all the while Dream Bunny is telling me everything will be ok.

DB makes sure that I keep my courage up to tell Aster everything.

I find him on a small hill, sitting on his haunches and sketching out the landscape in front of him.

All the reds, browns and patches of green that make up his adopted home.

He looks up and smiles at me offering a paw.

I take it and he pulls me into his lap, nuzzling gently at me temple, purring softly under his breath.

I glance over to where he set his sketchbook on a small rock next to us, admiring the drawing on the page.

We sit there for a while, Aster nuzzling and purring, occasionally leaving little butterfly kisses and whispering sweet little things.

Compliments about my hair, skin and eyes.

Words of love and trust.

Tears prickle at the corners of my eyes and I glance over to where Dream Bunny is sitting right next to the sketch book.

He gestures with his paw to get on with it.

I take a deep steadying breath then gently remove myself from Asters lap.

He makes a sound of protest and concern when he notices the tears gathering in my eyes.

I hold on to one of his paws for dear life.

Praying.

Hoping that he won’t leave me after telling him my deepest secret.

I look him in the eyes and tell him everything.

I tell him about all three hundred years of loneliness.

Of feeling like a tool.

I told him of how I felt after gaining everyone as friends and maybe even family.

I told him how I felt when they all ignored me again.

How I felt abandoned.

How I felt like a fool.

I told him of Dream Bunny, how the little weak version of him became my companion and the one being who never turned me away or abandoned me.

I told him how, for the first time I really and truly felt like I was not alone.

I told him that is was Dream Bunny who had pointed out how closed off I was being with everyone.

That it was Dream Bunny who helped me to become me again even with the Guardians.

That it was Dream Bunny who help the two of us get together.

It was thanks to Dream Bunny that I found a little piece of happiness.

I told him of all the other characters I made even while I was together with him because the damage had already been done, I was already shattered.

I told him of my friends from NCIS, and Doctor Who.

I told him of Treasure Planet, and the team from Mass Effect and all the adventures we all went on.

I told him of Castiel, Sam and Dean, Bobby and Charlie.

I told him of all my worlds.

I told him of how Pippa helped me put a name to what happened.

I told him, with a quiver in my voice, that I had Disassociated Identity Disorder.

The same kind of disorder that a lot of evil people had.

I closed my eyes after confessing that.

I didn’t want to see the rejection.

To see the disgust.  

 **  
** He removed his paws from mine and stood up…….


	6. Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end! Again this chapter is my hope not reality but maybe I'll get lucky and find my person soon :).
> 
> And once again thank you to all of you who stuck around and read this story. You support was very much needed and loved!! :)
> 
> Now hopefully I can get back to the other two with less mental issues blocking me :P

My heart stopped when Aster removed his hands from mine.

 

I just confessed my greatest secret.

 

The one thing that proves that I am just as bad as what Pitch says I am.

 

My eyes are clenched shut.

 

I wait for the words of condemnation.

 

The words of disgust.

 

The words of rejection.

 

But...

 

They never come.

 

Instead I feel furry arms wrap around me and pull me into a furry chest.

 

I could hear his heart beat, just a touch faster than it normally was.

 

Aster was pressing kisses into my hair, down my temple, to my cheeks, then finally pressing his furry lips to mine.

 

This kiss was so much sweeter than any we had done before.

 

It was filled with love.

 

Safety.

 

Acceptence.

 

When we finally broke apart to gasp for air he touched his forehead to mine.

 

“My dear sweet Snowflake. I am so sorry that we did not notice anything.  

 

I am so sorry _I_ did not notice.

 

There is nothing to be scared about.

 

The fact that you are worried means that there is much less chance of it ever happening.

 

But if the time comes that you do break completely,

 

then I will be there to pull you right back into my arms and back to yourself.

 

I will help you pull all those pieces of yourself together until you have control of them once more.

 

You are my Mate love, and nothing will change that.

 

Not even a little invisible me giving you advice on how to be you.”

 

Aster smiled gently at that, leaning his face forward just enough to give me an eskimo kiss, his whiskers brushing against the tears that were falling freely down my cheeks.

 

We stayed like that for what felt like forever before Aster stepped back, taking my hand as he did so.

 

He smiled down at me gently then led me to our home in the Warren where we will spend our days keeping each other as sane as two insane immortales can do.

 

I am Loved.

 

I am Accepted.

 

I am a Trickster.

 

I am the bringer of Winter.

 

I am the Guardian of Joy.

 

I am many many different people.

 

I am Me.

 

And I wouldn’t trade it for anything.


	7. Awareness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please read guys. Please. And I am sorry for the rambling but this is all needing to be said. Not for me, but for everyone else who needs it.

I know you guys would rather have some sort of story.

I realize that I have left my stories go for a while.

I do promise that I am trying.

However…

The reason I am attaching this “chapter” to this story is because I have gotten worse instead of better.

For a very short time I was happy. I felt… good.

I went to therapy and for a while that alone helped.

Then I started going down again.

I started to take anti-depressants.

A small amount at first and I got sooo much better. I was happy! Ok, yes I was manic half the time then a happy calm the other half, but still; happy.

And now.

I am on a higher dose.

And everything crashed.

Dropped right from under my feet.

Like some rug had been yanked.

I have cut my wirsts.

I have had suicidal thoughts.

I have little interest to do anything, thus the delay on chapters.

On the rare moments I am happy I read other stories to try to stay happy, but it does not help.

Guys.

I can fight it. I really can. I know what to do.

There will be times that I go crazy, there will also be times that I will need to wrap my wrists so that I do not cut.

But.

I can fight it.

Today is not only Remembrance Day for the United States of America from the tragedy of 9/11, but it is also Suicide Awareness day.

Now I will let all of you who are willing to read this know that I am here.

I will listen to anyone and everyone if you need someone to talk to.

I truly understand.

And to those of you who are unaware of what depression looks like, these people don’t always cry in front of others.

Depression hides unless they have the willpower to show the sadness on the outside.

The people who need the most help are the ones that are separate from everyone, or even those that try to get the attention from everyone.

So desperate in the endeavors to be noticed.

Please guys.

Please.

I know how hard it is, I know how terrible it feels.

This story didn’t even truly give the darkness justice of what it really feels like.

If you feel sad, or even feel these thoughts please don’t feel any sort of shame.

It’s not shameful guys.

It’s not a weakness.

Please know that even though you may not know me, that I am just some screen name, that makes me that much easier to talk to.

Please if you need an ear to listen, just know that I am willing to be that ear.

I love you all.

Every single one of you is important.

You must believe me.

You

Are

All

Important.


	8. Thank you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is for all the people who helped me, and if I missed your name I am so sorry but just know that you are in my heart and you deserve a huge hug and thank you!!
> 
> Icblip  
> Kira494  
> Tsuji
> 
> And all those who gave me kudos for this story and are still reading it even though it's just personal notes. 
> 
> Thank you

Hey guys, this is another update thing and it has a question and just stuff.

 

So I don’t know if it’s irony, funny, or just ya know a domino thing, but the same night I posted the last chapter saying I am fighting and winning, I lost.

 

Now once again I did not try to commit suicide or anything like that, but I did break down at work and then when my manager told me to go home because they were worried about me I started cutting myself.

 

I am not sure who called them but suddenly the police were at my door. They were so sweet and understanding, and they gently coaxed me into going to the hospital where they really took me though was to what is called the pavillion, in my town its the mental health hospital.

 

I spent 2 days and 3 nights there.

 

And do you know what happened?

 

I gained friends.

 

I gained a firm foundation that I could look back on when I am feeling down.

 

I got my medicine corrected.

 

But most importantly I learned something big.

 

That I am important.

 

That I do matter.

 

That I am not selfish, or a waste of space and air.

 

I matter.

 

I met people that were so very smart and funny but when they talked about themselves they had the same thoughts that I had, and all I could think of was all the good things they did.

 

Then I realized that they had the same expression when I talked about my schooling. When I talked about my dream to get a Doctorate in Forensic Anthropology. When I made people laugh.

 

They looked at me like “Why are you sad? You have so much to live for. You have a gift.”

 

They looked at me the way I looked at them.

 

Before I realized all that all I could think of was “These people matter more than I do. I don’t have a gift like them.”

 

But then I realized we shared that look.

 

That meant something huge.

 

That meant that I really did matter.

 

That I was important.

 

That I was an equal to people I admired.

 

By the end of my stay I helped everyone in the ward laugh.

 

And I was thanked because of that.

 

I have a gift.

 

The gift of laughter.

 

As lame…. no.

 

Not lame.

 

It’s awesome, and goofy.

 

But not lame.

 

I am a Guardian of Joy.

 

I am Jack Frost’s helper.

 

I am good.

 

I matter.

 

And now, I myself finally believe those words.

 

And it is thanks to the people and nurses I met at the Pavilion. It’s also thanks to all of you who gave me so much support. I wasn’t able to see all the wonderful messages until I got out of the hospital, but when I did it just put the strongest glue ever on what I learned.

 

Thank you. From the bottom of my torn up, beaten, broke down, abandoned heart; Thank you.

 

I love each and every one of you.

 

Which is why I am letting you guys choose.

 

I came up with many different story ideas while I was in the Pavilion and as soon as I am done with my other two stories, I will begin working on one of them.

 

Whichever one you guys choose.

 

It may not be much, but it is my way of saying thank you for being there for a complete stranger and sticking with me while I go through an extremely tough page of my life’s story.

 

So here are my ideas:

 

Jack is blind but sees everyone in music-- can be family or a ship

 

Series of random one- shots that people just want to see and I will put my own spin to in the world I have made.

 

Pirates. Or even just being on a ship, sailors, things like that.-- can be human AU, an adventure for the Guardians or something like Treasure Planet

 

A space adventure, any kind really-- another can have ships (the romantic kind :P) or a family fic

  
  
  


And if you guys have other ideas that you want me to write about I will see what I can do. Heck! if it comes down to it, and you guys want to see all of them I’ll make it the thank you series, shorter stories but still the best that I can do.

  
Once again thank you. So, so, so much.

**Author's Note:**

> And if you couldn't tell, this is unedited. Sorry for any crappiness you see. Just kinda wrote it as it came. 
> 
> Ummm hopefully I'll go back to my happy positive self again and I can write the other chapters to Icicle and Beginning. Though the latter should be easier to write since its a depressing story anyways. 
> 
> Sorry for the rambling guys. Just wanted to let you all know whats going on. I just need to know I am not just useful but people enjoy the things I do. Like write.


End file.
